Missing Someone so Much it Hurts? Try the Brokenheart Stomp!

By Molly Barrow, Ph.D.

Things looking bleak?  When milestone days approach, a holiday, a birthday or deathday, do your emotions tumble downhill as you struggle with lonely, depressing efforts to hold back your feelings? Is the one you really want with someone else, or did he or she pass away, yet you hunger and yearn for whom is missing? Do you have to push away painful memories just to get through the day and find it takes all your concentration and energy? The pain of heartbreak can be acute and overwhelming. Your grief keeps you focused on the pain when you think about them. Maybe after fifty years, you only remember the day someone died or your first love's face as he left you. The grief blocks all the good memories that lie beneath waiting.

Would you like to try a quick fix for an enduring heartache?  You have memories of these people that are yours to enjoy, too. If you can just get past the grief, even temporarily, you might recapture lost moments of joy.

Take tonight to be alone and set the stage for memories of someone who was once precious, but is now missing. Light some candles, get out the worn photos, drop the fake smile from your face....finally, and allow yourself to really feel the pain. Step into the murky water of your tears and despair and wail and cry, for say, ten minutes. Then, take the next ten minutes to crank up some rhythmic music and express the pain physically. Boldly and wildly move your body in an expression of your hurt. Next, gradually change the dance to a joyful or silly one, like the chicken dance. The physical efforts release brain chemicals. Hopefully, no one is watching this cathartic gig but if someone is, explain that you dance for your health.

Grief held inside is poison. The act of grieving is about releasing the toxic thoughts and physical ramifications of those thoughts. Faking it, smiling when you could split apart in pain or pretending you do not care is not fooling your organs. Get the pent up rage, despair, guilt or envy out of you. Just talking about it or ignoring it will not release grief as well as the Brokenheart Stomp. The change from a grieving movement to a happier movement will send a powerful signal to the mind that you are trying to recover from grief.

Purging grief is a detoxifying cleanse that allows you to recover joy and balance to your mind and gut. You never have to stop feeling love and longing for what you miss, but you need to periodically fall back deeply into your sadness, feel terrible and then release it quickly just like a cramp in your foot. When the pain begins to build up, try shaking it out and then laugh loudly long before you sincerely feel happy. Our bodies respond to the emotion we act out, so act out a joyful dance.

Loving someone - even if it does not last - can become a source of experience and strength to treasure, if you learn to release the grief regularly. Grief can last years, but your nervous system needs a break frequently. The Heartbreak Stomp may shorten the pain by grieving the feelings out just a bit while you laugh at your antics. Take this opportunity to remember the good and bask for a bit in positive memories of having loved someone dearly. Eventually, the pain will go and the good memories will heal your heart and last forever.

 Dr. Molly Barrow holds a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is the author of the new book, “Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love.” She is a leading forensic expert and authority on relationship issues and mental health. A member of the American Psychological Association, Dr. Molly has appeared on NBC, PBS, KTLA, WGUF-FM, the feature film “My Suicide,” and the documentary "Ready to Explode," and interviews for Psychology Today, Newsday, O Magazine, MSN.com, Hitched and The Nest. Introducing a new relationship compatibility test by Dr. Molly Barrow on her official web site: www.DrMollyBarrow.com.

[Contact the author for permission to republish or reuse this article.]